Fighting for Repentance

NOTE: This is a deeply transparent and lengthy blog. Perhaps the most transparent and honest blog I have written. I share this, not for my own sake; but because of the examples we have from the men and women chronicled in the Word of God. The good they did is apparent, but in their failings and in their transgressions we learn of God’s mercy, grace, and unfathomable love. In that, we see, not the good they did, but the good the Father completed in them. Thus, after much prayer and discussion I do not believe you, as a reader, can follow any of my futures blogs with any trust unless you have my honesty. In truth, I do not have a great deal of readers,but those I do have are important-to me and to Father. I considered canceling this blog. That remains an option. My content may change considerably should I continue to write. Perhaps I will be moved in another direction. I cannot say as I do not yet know.

So, to the crux of the matter:

A few years ago, in the moments between sleep and awake, I saw white cloths stained with bright red blood strewn across the yard outside my window. As I looked the privacy fence separating our home from the neighbors’ disappeared. The homes around me were no longer visible as the backyard became a field of white and red tossed across the grass by the wind. I heard a voice say to me, “Your righteousness is as filthy rags.”

At that moment, in my pride and arrogance, I thought this moment to be for others. I thought it was a word to be shared. I was the rich young ruler who considered himself someone who had kept all the commandments since his youth (Matthew 19:16-23). I was never more wrong. I failed to remember the words of Paul, who instructed the Corinthians, “Therefore let him that thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall.” (I Corinthians 10:12 KJV)

I will not go into the details of that fall here. Those who know me know the details. Even those who do not know me have learned details regarding my sin. I have found forgiveness and grace from some. I have found turned backs and separation from others. Some tossed me in the dust. Others bent down in the dust and lifted me up. The sin was destructive and ramifications continue to roll over not only my life, but the lives of others. I am no longer able to say, like the rich young ruler of Matthew 19, “All these commandments have I kept since my youth.”; for in my decision to sin, I broke almost every commandment given. Perhaps I did break each one after all; for in my sin, I killed hopes and dreams and planned futures. I murdered respect and honor. I destroyed love. It is indeed a truth that the wages of sin is death. (Romans 6:23)

I struggled with the idea of repentance. Could I be forgiven? I had an idol in my life. I fought to give my idol up, but like the rich young ruler I too went away sad because I could not. Esau sought repentance earnestly with tears, but it was not granted. What did this mean for me? I had cried many a tear, yet true repentance failed to come. Unlike Esau, though, I began to fight. I sought the Lord. I sought His face. I knew exactly where He was and is. He never moved other than to move toward me. It is I who stood outside the throne room door. I could not undo my treacherous sin. It was done.

I lost friends, moved to a different town, and left a church home where I had been treated with goodness and kindness. In my struggle I could not stay. And yet, I knew I could not leave all I had known. I had to be a part of something larger than myself and my spirit needed to be amongst a congregation of worshippers even when I felt unworthy to be one of those worshippers.

In all the damage and brokenness my sin caused, I too became damaged and broken. I remained in therapy for almost two years and continued to attend church where the people loved on me and loved me in spite of me. I attended Bible Studies and Sunday School. I sought the Lord in devotions and prayers. Yet, I continued to struggle with the idea of repentance and forgiveness. I knew only that my desire was to walk humbly before God and the people He created.

A young friend invited me to a Bible Study she was having at her home. “Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table”. The study was good, but it was the women who embraced me and saw me who made the difference. One lady noted she saw joy was being held hostage by an unwillingness to forgive myself. Another friend, the mother of the young woman hosting the study, walked me to my vehicle time and time again and one night shared her testimony with me. She encouraged me and spoke words to me bringing peace. Something broke that night. The breaking continued in every way the Lord continued to show His mercy and grace to me. Sometimes one instance of grace and mercy is not enough to break the chains. Often it is the continual waves of goodness and mercy following us all the days of our lives that do so.

One night, as I lay in my bed, I felt the spirit of the Lord move into my room. I felt the goodness of God hover over me. I sensed His holiness. And I began to weep. Not the weeping I had done before-the weeping of not being able to have what I wanted and of just being sorry for the damage I had done and the hurt I had caused. A different sort of weeping sprung from me this night. This weeping washed over me through deep sorrow. It came from deep in my gut. This sorrow consumed me. It was a deep grief at the hurt I had caused my Father’s heart. I felt the tears roll down my face and as they did I felt a peace I had not known. I felt a forgiveness and a mercy and a grace I cannot explain.

I thought about Esau who had wept bitterly for the loss of his blessing and inheritance he had taken so lightly. Then I thought about Jacob who fought for the blessing. He wrestled both with himself and with God. He refused to let go of God until he received His favor. Even though he had been deceitful and had stolen what was not rightfully his, God blessed Jacob because Jacob refused to let go of Him. He didn’t just weep for repentance he fought for it. He needed the blessing of God to go forward. Simply put, he refused to let go of Yahweh.

And so in all these things, I too, refused to let go of my Father. I held fast to Him, for I knew that in Him is life. I know He has the words of life. I know without Him I had and have no hope.

I am reminded of the Israelites who fell into idolatry. I am reminded of my Father, who always seeks a way of restoration to Himself.

‘But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which He confirmed to them by oath.” Deuteronomy 4:29-31

“From There”

From where? Where were the Israelites when God told them “if from there…”? According to Deuteronomy 4 they, because of their sin, were in a scattered place. A place of idols and idol worship. A place which seemed far from God, far from His voice and far from His presence.

BUT IF…

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Return to Him and obey Him for He is merciful and will not:

• Abandon you
  • He is like the Father standing at the gate waiting for the Prodigal to come home. It is worth noting that even when the Prodigal decided to return to his father’s house, he was not instantly transported there. He had traveled far from home and thus had a lengthy journey back. I believe the journey was needful. It is in the journey, at least for me, where much is learned-about one’s self and the Father’s love, grace, and mercy. And though he was restored to His Father, he was not immediately restored to his brother. We do not know if he ever was. We are not told. And as I have learned, there may be relationships which are forever altered and irreparable. In this, I am learning to love without expectation. Love, without expecting anything in return. Give distance where it is needed and reach out when opportunity is given. This is a difficult balance to strike. Being someone who tends to withdraw, I often fail in this matter. But on this journey, I am learning.
• Destroy You
  • God will not destroy you. Believe me, sin needs no help. It is destruction enough on its own.
• Forget You
  • or the covenant HE made-confirmed by oath-the blood of Jesus Christ. He is the great covenant keeper. He is faithful, even when we are unfaithful. He knew our sins before the earth was created and yet He loves us. Me. You. So much He chose to give His life as an offering for us-A ransom to die in our place. My place. While the wages of sin are indeed death, that death was taken by our Savior. And like the prodigal’s Father, He stands ready to meet us at the gate in celebration. As a southerner, I like to think of Him standing on the front porch, looking down the drive, waiting for me to pull in.

I have come to understand grace and mercy in a way I have never known or understood. And I desire to never take that for granted. I am humbled by His great and merciful love for me, His forgiveness and grace. And thus, I do not take for granted the responsibility given to the Israelites later in Deuteronomy 4. Their responsibility is my responsibility.

• Ask about the former days (vs 32). Ask about when God spoke to others. Ask about His great deeds and wonders. Ask about His might and power.
• Remember WHO HE IS and will always be
• Remember “the Lord is God; beside Him their is no other.” (Vs 35)
• Acknowledge and KNOW it in your heart that the Lord is God of heaven above and on earth beneath. There is no other. (Vs 39)
• Keep His statutes and His commandments so it may go well with you and with your children after you (vs 40)

---

And though I failed, that failure does not define me. The failures of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob did not define them. The Love of God defined them and defines me. I could have left my faith, for I certainly showed myself to be unfaithful to His commands. Yet, like the disciples, I too wonder aloud, “Where else would I go, Lord. You have the words of life.”